I’ve cleaned out my closet because I’m a fan of metaphor, and because I don’t have a magic grief reliever or pregnancy disappearer or fast forward button for our lives.
And also- I’m going to say this because I’m tired of dancing around the issue and being afraid of losing friends: I’ve lost a SHITLOAD of weight. I not only lost enough weight to get into the small-size clothes I’d stockpiled, but I lost it so fast that I never even got a chance to wear those clothes.
In the end I decided if you’re someone who doesn’t want to be my friend because I’m thin or I enjoy running too much, it’s a good bet we’re not real friends anyway and if you haven’t already dumped me because of my love affair with running, now’s a good time. (by the way, that link left out the other kinds of thin people: people taking medications, chemo patients, parasite victims, people with food allergies, metabolic disorders, and others. Or maybe we could STOP ASSUMING WHY anyone is thin or or thick and move on with our lives without giving a shit)
It wasn’t on purpose, I don’t have a secret. My new med cocktail has side effects that pushed me back down to my pre-Avery weight, and the running appears to have done the rest by changing my metabolism. It was cool at first. Now I miss my ass, and I’m tired of every single cashier at every single store asking if I feel OK. Yes, I am aware that I wasn’t overweight to begin with. Yes, I am aware that I am very thin now. By the way: I ate a pint of ice cream at 11 p.m. last night. The side effects that caused the weight loss are over. Maybe it’ll all come back. Such is the life with bipolar meds. You go up, you go down. So I’ve stockpiled 2 sizes up in all my pants.
Clutter is the enemy. Everyone says so. The Zen mind is a peaceful mind. People make better decisions in an uncluttered space. People sleep better in an uncluttered bedroom. An uncluttered desk is more productive.
I say my life is really simple and streamlined. I’m lying though because while I try not to have much to DO, my mind is full of noise and this week I arbitrarily decided that most of it was coming from the closet.
I don’t like 500 cable channels and I don’t want 60 pairs of shoes or 22 pairs of jeans. I want 6 channels that show good stuff ALL the time. I want 4 pairs of awesome shoes that go with everything. One pair of perfect jeans. A closet full of 20 useless pairs of pants is BULLSHIT! I mean seriously how is a body supposed to manage a life with a closet like that looming in the corner of their bedroom? That place provokes anxiety every time I look at it. My closet: a perfect reflection of my noisy noisy life. Full of disorder and clutter and a few perfect things hidden by chaos. Mostly hand-me-downs, hoarded items I couldn’t bear to get rid of because I’m too scared to get caught with a need and no resources to meet it. So I sat on 10 identical pairs of slacks in similar colors, (I don’t even wear slacks. I don’t have a job.) cocktail dresses I’ll never wear, stacks of layering shirts. But I take what I’m given. I work with what I have.
I clear out some noise. Things that don’t fit, don’t work for the life I have now. What happens when I rid my closet of the noise is I’m left with space, and quiet. There’s very little maintenance in my simplified closet full of clothes that are only what I truly love and what works for me. I still need some things, but I’ll wait. The maintenance that I have to put into my wardrobe now is worth it. I do this work with no resentment, because I know my return is high. These clothes won’t sit mocking me in the closet, won’t languish on the shelf, won’t hang off my body or disappoint me when I look in the mirror, won’t fail me when I get out into the cold. What I’m left with when I carefully select what actually works for me is a perfectly matched wardrobe of tasteful pieces that won’t fail me because I’ve invested well. If something rips, I’ll mend it. These are not throwaway clothes. I don’t shop like that anymore.
It’s over now. The slacks are off to a new home where hopefully someone who leaves their house on a regular basis will use them, and the cocktail dresses will see the bright lights of the big city sometime soon. I could probably fit a chaise lounge IN the closet now and make that my new reading nook.
You may be interested in these related posts:
If you don’t hate me b/c I’m fat, I won’t hate you b/c you’re skinny!
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Summer Reply:
March 20th, 2010 at 9:54 am
I prefer thick and thin, thank you very much! We need to free ourselves from the oppression of those words The Man uses to create division amongst us! Power to the People!
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“People make better decisions in an uncluttered space. People sleep better in an uncluttered bedroom. An uncluttered desk is more productive.
I know these things but still have a hard time putting the effort into making it happen. Even though I know I’m going to feel so much better once it’s done. Thanks for the motivation!!
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