Since I haven’t learned my lesson about going back to bed in the morning, I woke for the second time today with a heavy hard and a racing pulse, the result of a nightmare, an embarassingly transparent dream in which my subconscious made a few things clear to me that duh, I alredy knew but was choosing not to explore.
I won’t bore you with the details of the dream, which involved in-laws, my temper, ex-lovers, mutant animals, and drug addicts. Suffice to say analysis was simple. In short:
I am meandering down a path that in the dark of my mind I’m afraid will lead me someplace terrible. Because I no longer entertain worst case scenarios during waking hours, my mind has found a way to sneak in my dirty habit, and my dreams take me places even my imagination won’t go.
I am feeling trapped, locked up, put on the spot. I am quite obviously longing for a simpler time in my life when things were either this or they were that; I continue to fight the concept that my life is one thing, and then another; that my feelings can be this and they can also be that. I wrestle moment to moment with the idea of there being room in this life for every feeling and every path.
I am a fan of absolutes and so my mind takes me, when I face this one particular path, in only one direction and it’s easy for my insecure brain to accept this as the truth when really there are so many infinite directions to go from here that I can’t even wrap my brain around it. In my core I know this; in my subconscious I am still afraid it isn’t really true, and that fear (quite possibly in a good way) prevents me from taking another step.
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Perhaps this is the dark, deeper, honest YOU in direct retaliation with your newly found peace though Zen Buddhism. Perhaps you are too complex for happiness, if that makes sense.
“There is no love in fear.”
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