House Hunters in hell- A new reality series

Well I think we’ve found a house at long last. Because driving to Asheville, spending 4 nights in a hotel and then 2 nights in my in laws’ dining room wasn’t a busy enough week, we decided to drive to Middleburg today to meet with a builder, since we don’t want to take the extra time ON OUR WAY TO ST AUGUSTINE tomorrow. But enough about how busy we are, we’re getting a house!

I hope.

So we drove to Middleburg, via Orange Park. Which, if you are familiar with the greater Jax area, is akin to setting yourself on fire and sitting down for a Billy Graham Crusade Marathon on Jesus TV.

This is how far away from LA we are right now: I actually said out loud: “Who lives in this kind of traffic on purpose? Can you IMAGINE?” Michael was like, “um, yeah, I can imagine”.

Anyway. Following the directions the woman gave me on the phone, we ended up cruising down a DIRT ROAD in Middleburg looking for the “model home”. I’m actually glad this place was so f-ing far from our house, because otherwise when I saw the dirt road I would have been done. But since we were in this for half a day already, we plodded on, and finally arrived at this place. Welcome sign on the front steps. 5th Wheel camper in the yard, complete with a huge black lab running around, circling my ankles I got out of the car. Oh, and I should also mention the screened in cabana thing with the Bowflex Machine inside. This morning on my way out the door I thought, “maybe I should take the camera. No, I can’t just haul the camera everywhere we go just on the off chance a good picture will present itself”. But I guess I CAN do that, and should. Because I know you all would have REALLY enjoyed the photos of this model home with the trailer in the yard and the dog tied to it, especially when the “boss” came back, dressed head to toe in camouflage.

Once Julie tethered the puppy, a good thing since Baby A was LUNGING for the dog, giggling and shaking her head back and forth, we went inside to look at floor plans. As model homes go, this one was like All the Rest. Except it was about 400 degrees in there. Okay, 87. But that is fucking hot. Julie fiddled with the AC for a while, and an encouraging hum came from under the house. Later, when we were melting into the carpet, I would discover that while the A/C was ON, the VENTS WEREN’T HOOKED UP so no actual cold air was blowing. Anywhere. I did mention this to Julie, because I’m not totally sadistic. She thought the thermostat was broken.

We did have time before we caught on fire to pick 2 floor plans, get pricing, get an options list, and find out that this chick will handle all the permits for us for 200 bucks. We can afford the house(s) we want. We can even add on a dishwasher and hardwood floors, maybe.

Estimate completion date: 4 to 6 weeks after we sign a contract, which can be as soon as next week.

Now, Internet? Do you know what that means for the P-L family? It means a trip to Atlanta and the Holy Land of house wares, IKEA. In the near future. It means, on the way back from our next trip to Asheville, we MIGHT BE SHOPPING FOR LIGHTS AND CABINETS AND CHAIRS!

Is this too good to be true? Who the hell cares. Right now, I can spend the weekend dreaming about a house without daylight shining through the walls, and ONE NIGHT without “rescuing” spiders from H’s room.

• Wherein I bitch in a wholly ungrateful fashion about our free land and imminent home ownership
• we are nver moving
• this may never happen again
• how to get divorced part 1