I’m beginning to feel more human, but am still moving very slow. I look like an old woman shuffling around the house in my slippers and housedresses, hunched over rubbing my back. Very attractive, I’m sure.

Michael and I are still in a daze around here. I wonder how long it will take us to create a family routine. I wonder how long it will take us to process the whole event. It’s hard to explain the emotions involved. We’re so happy to have Avery, and be parents, etc. But at the same time there is this other thing, this traumatic freaky feeling of “oh man it almost wasn’t…”. I dunno. I think both of us are still playing the What If game, and that is not a fun scenario to imagine. I guess I’m feeling some hormonal stuff too- having nightmares* and waking up in a cold sweat 4 or 5 times each night. That can’t be helping matters any.

Hannah’s been awfully uninvolved so far. I thought she would want to be all over the baby and everything. Mostly she comes home, asks me what chores she has to do, and then wants to call her cousins. It’s good that we have so much family here to take up the slack where she’s concerned. She seems to want to keep her distance for a while, which is totally OK and understandable. We’ve been here less than a month, and the whole world is different on many levels, for all of us.

*Ed note: I know now seven years later that these are the beginning signs of PTSD. Also, my daughter immediately withdrew from our family after this event and it occurs to me now that almost losing her mother that day could have had a profound effect on her as well. If the information in the above link resonates with you, please seek help. Don’t wait. For me, the nightmares have never gone away because I never knew to seek treatment.

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