As a recovering anorexic, I generally avoid scales and diets. And for the past few years, mirrors. So it was with great trepidation that I joined a gym a couple of weeks ago. I’m in there almost every day, on the cross country elliptical that is cruelly located closest to the wall mirrors AND the scale. Each day after my hour (which is about 7 miles and 500 calories, by the way at an average heart rate of 172) on the elliptical I tell myself that I will not stop at the scale. I distract myself from the mirror by watching movies, Ipod propped at the perfect viewing angle by the sweat towel that I use as a gauge cover because watching the numbers on the machine makes me crazy.
And every day I find myself standing on that fucking scale.
This new level of activity in my life- the kayaking, the tennis, the couch to 5K and the hour of elliptical each day- it’s not about weight loss. At least that’s not how it started. The working out is part of a holistic approach to my mental illness, along with vitamin supplements for blood sugar and mood control (chromium and krill oil) and a low sugar, high protein diet.
In the back of my head though, I expected the happy byproduct of this new regime would be weight loss, and a chance to get back into the huge closet full of size 4 and 6 clothes we salvaged from a friend’s closet last year. But I kept seeing the same number day after day. The clothes remain stacked high on the top shelf of my closet. I know it’s ridiculous that I’m complaining that I can’t get into size 4 pants. Please understand I know this. What’s inside my head-I’m aware of how inappropriate, how unfeminist, how utterly annoying it is.
A lot has changed inside my head. I feel stronger; more disciplined. I’ve almost completely kicked sugar, and haven’t had an afternoon nap in days. I can’t quit. I must keep doing this, just as I must keep taking the medication that makes it possible for me to get out of bed and do it in the first place.
But I would give just about anything in the world to be capable of enjoying my newfound strength, discipline and overall health without the shadow of a scale hanging over everything I do.
If you or someone you know finds this post relevant, please see this link.