Today I was sleeping on the couch and I NEEDED to check my blood sugar. I felt so incredibly bad and sluggish and frightened, that I needed Michael to get the machine and check it. For hours I tried to inch myself off the chair so that I would fall on the ground and he would hear (he was upstairs). I tried to scream for him but I couldn’t get the words out. I spent so LONG trying to get onto the floor and inch over to the counter where the monitor is. I needed to get to the phone to call 911. I envisioned the paramedics, whether they would have insulin. How high would my sugar have to have gone to make me feel this bad, unable to even inch forward enough to fall onto the ground?
And then M touched my shoulder and said “your dad is here” and I popped up (because when my dad comes to get Jack I pretend that I’m not semi catatonic all day) and I realized I had been dreaming. This horrible nightmare of blood sugar, and feeling like I was dying, and trying to get off the couch to get to the monitor- was a dream. Lucid dream? Something.
That’s what it’s been like, these last two days. I cannot believe how much time I spend asleep but completely awake in my mind, going through terrible things. Arguments with friends, helpless situations. Trying to wake up, feeling like I’ve woken up. Holding my eyelids open, even. Then I actually do awaken and realize all that struggling was in my head.
Perhaps my brain is trying to create a situation where I will wake up and all THIS struggling will be a distant nightmare.
And then I took a shower and went to dinner with my husband for his birthday, met a friend at the restaurant, and I felt like I was watching myself from afar, acting like this totally normal person. How can I act like a totally normal person? Which part is real?