or not.
I want to tell you the most hilarious and frightening story about my brother and guns and how this one app (Whrrl) on the iphone can tell stories in real time so that you don’t have to remember all the details when you sit down to write a hilarious post that no one will read.
Because of the “washing out” of my blood in preparation for a new brain chemistry experiment, I am heavily tranquilized with a “safe washout” drug which is supposed to keep me from hurting anyone or myself or any more TV’s and recliners, so I’m in bed all the time, and sometimes I have the most horrible dreams. I wake up briefly and am aware of myself physically trying to pry my eyes open so that I can get up, and then I’m dreaming again. It’s what I imagine fighting your way out of a coma would feel like.
An internet acquaintance is in the hospital right now, anxious and hating it. But contained. Safe. In Canada, you get to do that sort of thing without first attempting suicide or hurting your kids. You can just be sick, so sick that you can’t function, but not criminal action sick, and sometimes they say OK then. Let’s just get you in here, and we’ll just keep you right here in this safe place while we experiment blindly with your brain chemistry.
It’s wholly frightening and appalling that these completely blind experiments can be done LIVE (that is to say, completely without safety measures) on people who are responsible for driving cars. For operating the stove. Mothering children. Self administering medication.
I always say to others “this is the mother she/they got. They will remember good things about this time. You are doing what you do, everything you can do. You can only just keep doing that.”
But in these moments, I feel like irreparable damage is being done to others. How much is too much.