Hi from the other side. Maybe it was the two hours I spent with lolcatz last night or the lemon balm tea and cookies my daughter made for me. For whatever reason, I woke up this morning feeling pretty well normal except for the bum knee. Last night the thought briefly crossed my mind that an arthritic flare was the culprit here, but I dismissed the idea because I wasn’t just tired, I was…flat. Just emotionless and exhausted. I felt completely removed from it all. I didn’t have the energy to be depressed that I was depressed. It was as if a heavy cocoon enveloped my emotions and I didn’t have the energy to fight my way through it.

I told myself over and over again “this is temporary. this is chemistry.” and yet I couldn’t stop myself from playing out a scenario in which i didn’t get better. I voiced my fears to my husband last night: “what if I’m like this for the holidays?”
He said “it’ll be ok if you are. we’ll handle it. we always handle it”

And so I’m up. Limping, but freshly showered and fed. Making plans to paint the kitchen and host a clothing swap in 2 weeks. I feel like I was pulled out of the path of a semi truck at the last minute.

Years ago, days like today were the exception rather than the norm, and when I found myself able to get out of bed and function, I’d rush to get shit done. I’d make grocery lists, shop for toiletries, pay bills, do laundry. I was on borrowed time and I made the most of it. Now that the ratio of peaks and valleys is reversed, I feel no need to overproduce today. I’m just gonna play with my kids.