defeated

Here’s where we are with my children these days: Countless (I could probably count, but honestly I’d rather not) dollars toward Sibling education- Positive Disciplne, Children: the Challenge, From One Child to Two (I haven’t miscounted-in our case this book applied), Zen Momma etc etc etc. Duplicate toys. Gated off rooms. Special “positive” time out spaces. Lavish, over the top praise for even the tiniest show of compassion or even just courtesy. Sharing wins an award ceremony that rivals the Emmys.

And yet still I heard myself say last night, I will work for no take home pay. I will go into debt. Think of it as a student loan. Think of it as non negotiable fixed mental health care expenses. Something must be done.

Siblings do these things, he says to me. This is how they behave. It’s normal.

Then I am not normal, I said. The fact remains that I cannot, will not spend my every single morning from breakfast to when we leave for school, asking, begging, pleading for my older child to stop hurting my younger child.

Here are some of the normal things she does:

—-When he has a toy, she takes it. Any toy, at any time.
—-When he turns on the TV she turns it off. If he reaches for it again she hits him.
—-If he is in my lap she sits in my lap as well. And then pushes him out.
—-If he climbs into my lap while she is sitting with me she kicks him.
—-If he climbs on the ladder of the bunk bed she will pull him down by his shirt
—-if he has the pantry door open she will push him inside and slam the door
—-doors slammed on fingers- all day long
—-if he’s looking in the freezer she will pull his shirt, fling him across the floor
—-when he climbs on something she pushes him off and climbs up herself
—-if he touches something of hers she hits him
sometimes, she just walks behind him and pushes him face first onto the floor
when they are sitting beside each other, she kicks or hits him
—-if there is anything handy that resembles a sword or stick she hits him with it. The top of my china cabinet is littered with sticks, wands, curtain rods, tongs, and other weapons that had to be removed from play, as well as a stack of books, toys, games and dolls that were removed due to the share policy revolt.

For hours I poured over the budget, the classified ads, the health insurance information. I contemplated a management position at McDonald’s or Starbucks where the benefit package blows my husband’s teacher’s benefits out of the water.

(the obstacle to me working outside the home, other than the thought of my 1 year old in day care,is that if we bring in more money as a household, we will lose our state funded kids health plan. The health plan available to my husband costs more than our mortgage, equal to 1/2 of his take home pay. It’s a strange world when a degreed state educator’s income qualifies their family for state funded health insurance.)

In the end we decided this:

We will switch the half day Pre-K program to a morning session, if not at the current school than at another one someplace else (that would suck; this is a fantastic school) and the kids will be separated for most of the day. In the afternoon I will pick up LittleA, feed them both lunch, and put BabyJ down for a nap.

This means no solitude for me in the afternoon, no hour long meeting with Rodney Yee. My plan is to purchase a kids yoga video and embrace the afternoon of one on one time with my daughter.