Dear Jack, volume 1

Dear Jack,
Having two toddlers is kicking my ass. Therefore, please don’t interpret the lack of monthly “dear Jack” letters as a lack of affection for you. In fact, I love you the best. Don’t tell the others. You’re my favorite son.

I figured I’d better make a short list of what you’ve been up to, so that we don’t lose track. Although I don’t have dates for most of your milestones. I hope one of your grandmothers is keeping track.

• You walk! You were right on target with Toddler A with the walking which made it weird when
• You don’t EAT! Wtf, dude? You’re over a year old, and you only just now stopped gagging when something edible touched your mouth.
• Which leads me how can you be so messy. Seriously. Your sisters were not this messy. Or this loud. Is this a gender thing?
• You scream all the time. You ball up your fists and wave your arms around when you’re mad, while screaming in indignation. This is especially true when I’ve taken the ipod out of your mouth.
• You do not like kids toys. You like, instead: cell phones. Batteries. Cordless phones. Computers. Forks. The vacuum cleaner. The cat’s tail.
• When you are very tired, you bang your head. And Like me, and your sisters before you, rocking helps you fall asleep. Rocking alone, not in someone’s lap. We’ve had to box your crib in and move it away from the wall because you tend to scoot the crib all over the room, or whack the thing up against the wall when you’re falling asleep at night. Don’t get me wrong, you’re not crying while this is happening. Rocking is just how you work it out. (I still rock myself to sleep. I hope that you find a partner who doesn’t think you’re a freak for doing it)
• You will not cuddle me unless you are ill. Your sister is almost four and she cannot fall asleep without me holding her foot; you cannot fall asleep if there is another person even in the room. When you were very tiny, we’d try to sleep on the bed beside your bassinet. You’d fuss and fidget and snort until we left. Then you’d sleep.
• Whenever your dad walks into the room you say “dada!” but you don’t yet say Mama. You do say Uh oh, and no-no. And whenever you’re holding something like a phone, you say “hello?”
• You learned just this week to sign “hungry” but sometimes we think you’re signing hungry when you’re tired or bored. Or maybe you’re really hungry that often because you DON’T EAT.
• You laugh all the time. There’s no pattern to it. You just laugh.
• You also dance. Any kind of music but especially R&B. You love to turn the music up super super loud. You spin, you bang your head, you wave your arms, you stomp your feet. Watching you dance is just about my favorite thing in the world.
• You sleep. Not only that, you sleep alone. As much as I’m sad that we don’t cuddle, I thank the universe every day that you sleep. You go to bed, you nap. I am a slave to the nap schedule, as much as I ridiculed nap-slaves back before I had a crib sleeper. Having you has taught me to stop being so damn judgmental.

Having you has also thrown my life into a state of busyness that I didn’t think was possible, and that’s the excuse I use when I think about how I don’t write much anymore, and write well even less frequently than that. Honestly I probably could carve out the time to write you monthly letters but I no longer have the words! You’re kicking my ass but I’m thankful for it every day. Babe, I might not be writing about your world but that’s only because we’re too busy living it.

I love being your mom.

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