It’s known that I believe that suicide should be a civil right . That discussion should happen on another day. I wrote, on my phone today, some things about active and passive dying. I’ve written on this blog about those ideas, and how people’s issues around choice with regard to death seem to get hung up on whether the dying is active or passive. I have a whole big bit about this giant salad that I compose each day as part of this new deal. I use the word compose mindfully here, because this salad is a true composition. Of art, maybe. A sculpture; at the least it’s a project. I spend quite a bit of quiet reflection, logically sequencing the layers of each day’s salad.
I didn’t sit down to bang out the whole discussion where the salads fit in to the dying, or the living. But they’re part of a set of behaviors that signify that as a participant in a family, there’s not much passivity in anything I am doing.
At the end of a weird day, a day that involved rearranging address numbers on mailboxes and big, heavy words like medical bankruptcy, and medical divorce, we looked up and the dvd player was showing us our own YouTube video channel.
A while ago I was online and I was REALLY sick. I made a video called Jack Medicine and it’s nothing special. It’s just Jack laughing. What’s special about the video, which I’m not linking today because today it was a different one was that during that time of my life, Jack’s laughter saved my life. Him laughing kept me alive, and that he made the faces in the video saved me, and that sometimes he still breastfed saved me, and a million other things about him saved me. And the laughing was the best part.
This one right here though: Today I thought, If I ever make the decision that it’s over, that it’s time. I’ll need to make sure that we’ve compiled every single one of these videos on a DVD first. Maybe it would just be for one last look but maybe…maybe I’d want to watch this video 20 times in a row. Maybe I’d want to fall asleep to it and the next day would look different.
Things are bad. Things are really, inescapably bad. But today I watched this video and I could swear I ovulated right that second.