My first mistake might have been using TV friendships as guides for how to measure my own behavior in relationships. As an only child, a weird child, and then a troubled, addicted adolescent/young adult, I was already crippled in the area of frienships when motherhood dealt me the triple death blow of isolation, fatigue, and the inability to carry on a conversation about anything other than children.
Grey’s Anatomy makes me unreasonably sad because I don’t understand how Christina, who is just as unemotional and misanthropic as I am, can climb in bed and be affectionate with Meredith because I can’t do that. And also, how come they can have such HUGE fights and still be friends because if someone I was friends with almost cost me my job they would simply not be my friend anymore, and that would be it. I mean wtf. I’m trying to think of a more realistic show but I can’t right now. But trust me I’m ALWAYS on the lookout for examples I can follow because in this way I’m like Dexter. I need examples to follow because I do not know how to behave. Remember when I had a fight with my brother and my dad and I thought we were going to have to move? And then two days later my brother came up and apologized and said he was sorry and we hugged it out. It NEVER OCCURED TO ME that this could happen-that scenario never crossed my mind. It’s as if something in there is broken.
Motherhood didn’t do THAT to me, of course, I have always been into the absolutes; but there is not room for the absolute in motherhood. Motherhood requires ultimate flexibility, right? The job requires us to adapt moment by moment to any number of scenarios in a given day. Because I thrive on crisis, motherhood suits me in this way, the challenge of putting out the fire. But, paradoxically the constant requirement of flexibility of my person is unnerving-almost impossible for me to maintain.
So in friendships+motherhood then does the same rule apply? No room for the absolute? Is that true for friendships in general? For relationships in general?
*I feel like I’m Data on Star Trek asking for insight into the human mind. No really, I’m really asking.
Summer,
I just want you to know that I can truly grasp what it is that you are asking. However, I am no authority on this topic because I watch a soap opera and talk about the characters like I know them and they are real. When I scream out, "How the hell could Phyllis just do that!" and Brett says, "Because it is in the script!" So yes, in short television is not the best or most effective way to measure our relationships because it is unrealistic. It is unrealistic for a reason. Television transports us from the mundane and often arduous existence that we are a part of. Are there absolutes in relationships? Yes, the only absolute is that all relationships or more importantly, your resonse to said relationships is relative. Sometimes we feel compelled to love more, understand more, love less, understand less, but it is all normal and relative to the situation. I often put up with stuff that I think later, what the hell was I thinking? Oddly enough, I do not put up with anything from people I know and love... this all crap coming in from strangers who really do not matter, yet they matter at the moment. People whom I love or I care about will often get a shot gun blast from me. My husband asks me why I do this all the time. Honestly, I cannot tell you why or him for that matter. I guess it is all relative. I hope my confusion on this topic has at least offered you comfort in the fact that I am at least as confused as you.
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